So they are back. those little flying bastards have returned for round two. although they "mean" no harm, they are annoying and out to get me, i just know it. heard the chirping this morning around 430am woke me up. I looked up and thankfully in my ambien intoxicated state i remembered to close and lock my bedroom door. not that birds have imposible thumbs, but they do crawl into venting ducts, so who really knows what they're capable of.
i quietly chuckled to myself...those little shits will never get through that running exhaust fan. they just dont have the balls for that. do birds even have balls...hmmm. nasty thought either way.
i got up and headed to the kitchen. as i rounded the corner what did i see but one of the little shitting machines on my counter; taunting me as if i wasnt the higher species. i walked in big and tall ready for battle with my can of raid. i dont know what these creatures have been through, but the raid doesnt even slow them down in the slightest. where is billy the exterminator when i need him.
so i shooed him out and thought that was the last i would see of him and headed to the couch with my cup of coffee. Fired up the magic jack and placed a call. as i was talking i hear a grinding noise like a fan with something stuck in it. low and behold they crawled right through that running fan. resilent retards arent they.
called the building sup. showed up about 10 min later still half asleep. in his broken english he assured me that he would fix the problem and proceded to grab a chair and hop up on it. he removed the cover for the vent and stuck his arm up it. bbbbrrrrrrrr. once i turned the fan off he decided he would try the ol' hand up the exhaust port again. apparently Kuwait public school isnt that great.
as he was digging around elbow deep in the mess, I drinking my cup of coffee from a safe distance couldnt help but think "I hope one doesnt peck his hand and scare him into falling off that chair."
AHHHHHHH. he shrieked as he was grabbing the air for something to grab onto. WHAM. right on the floor. as i walked in to help him up and grab some papertowels to clean the mess of coffee i just spit all over the wall, one of the flying fuckheads was circling my ceiling.
he jumped up swung at it with the broom. after taking down the smoke alarm, mounting points for the vent cover, and kitchen light in the ceiling, i opened the door and it flew out.
so......to make a long story short. i am getting all new ceiling mounted apparatus and he will be returning at noon to rid me of these flying pests.
to be honest im going to die of starvation if he doesnt come back, i refuse to go back into the kitchen due to my painful run-in with them. i guess i will start liking indian food pretty damn quick.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Day 2 - run in with the death fliers
this is an email i sent to some people at work. i dont think its that funny but after thinking about it for a while i find some humor in it. hope you feel the same.
last night i crawled into bed about 1130 pm here. thought i would sleep in as long as i could to combat the jet lag i still have left over. i awoke this morning just like the last one to the sound of birds chirping. something i was suprised to hear in this area of the world but none the less i had to pee so i got up.
now i dont know if you've been to an apartment here in kuwait, most sane people havent, but there is literally a 3" raised threshold on each door. something that i have lovenly named the toe-breaker 5000's. i have learned while fully awake to remain aware of their exsistence, and avoid kicking another one. btw still cant feel or extend 4 of my toes fully. evil little fuckers aren't they.
so back to this am. i woke up managed not to kick the one on the way out of my room or into the bathroom. (i hung up signs) finished up the morning void and headed to the kitchen to start the coffee. still with sleep in my eyes and no coffee i wasnt really paying attention. stepped over the threshold and opened the freezer where the coffee is kept. grabbed it and closed the freezer door. then turned around and was dived bombed by two little birds in my fucking kitchen. dropped the coffee to protect my face and....
when i woke up i realized what had happened. in the flying bitch slaps of fury that i was warding the birds off with, i stepped back and my heel hit the kitchen toe-breaker 5000. as i fell backwards still swinging like a 5 yr old in a battle with her brother my head cracked the threshold for the bathroom directly across from the kitchen.
"Fuck" i said to myself as i awoke and sat up rubbing the back of my head. damn winged spawns of satan were trying to kill me. and all i wanted to do is get a delicious cup of Hadji coffee. i stood back up and catiously entered the kitchen in the best karate stance i know. (btw i know nothing about karate so basically looked like a down-syndrome kid in some kind of extremity only seziure. )
no bird in sight i grabbed the broom and started to sweep up the coffee and mess of paper-towels the little bastards ripped apart to make a nest. finished cleaning up the mess and started my pot of coffee. on top of the fridge are my coco puffs so i reached for them and was about to make a bowl when i was attacked again.
i fell backwards (this time stepping over the toe-breaker to keep from falling, now i am in full backwards run escaping my demise. this time the bathtub took my legs out from under me. i fell into the bathtub shrieking in what most people would attribute to a squirrel in a blender type scream. dont worry though i took the shower curtain rod and curtain with me. we all are still feeling the pain of the bathtub fancy stone they use to make the shower walls. that shit is real they spare no expense here.
so all in all i have had two concussions and 4 damaged toes. but i finally figured out where the airborne attempted murders were coming from. there is a vent in the kitchen with a built in fan much like the bathroom one i am used to at home. since the incidents today i have decided that perticular fan will stay on to ward off the attackers and help me to sleep at night
last night i crawled into bed about 1130 pm here. thought i would sleep in as long as i could to combat the jet lag i still have left over. i awoke this morning just like the last one to the sound of birds chirping. something i was suprised to hear in this area of the world but none the less i had to pee so i got up.
now i dont know if you've been to an apartment here in kuwait, most sane people havent, but there is literally a 3" raised threshold on each door. something that i have lovenly named the toe-breaker 5000's. i have learned while fully awake to remain aware of their exsistence, and avoid kicking another one. btw still cant feel or extend 4 of my toes fully. evil little fuckers aren't they.
so back to this am. i woke up managed not to kick the one on the way out of my room or into the bathroom. (i hung up signs) finished up the morning void and headed to the kitchen to start the coffee. still with sleep in my eyes and no coffee i wasnt really paying attention. stepped over the threshold and opened the freezer where the coffee is kept. grabbed it and closed the freezer door. then turned around and was dived bombed by two little birds in my fucking kitchen. dropped the coffee to protect my face and....
when i woke up i realized what had happened. in the flying bitch slaps of fury that i was warding the birds off with, i stepped back and my heel hit the kitchen toe-breaker 5000. as i fell backwards still swinging like a 5 yr old in a battle with her brother my head cracked the threshold for the bathroom directly across from the kitchen.
"Fuck" i said to myself as i awoke and sat up rubbing the back of my head. damn winged spawns of satan were trying to kill me. and all i wanted to do is get a delicious cup of Hadji coffee. i stood back up and catiously entered the kitchen in the best karate stance i know. (btw i know nothing about karate so basically looked like a down-syndrome kid in some kind of extremity only seziure. )
no bird in sight i grabbed the broom and started to sweep up the coffee and mess of paper-towels the little bastards ripped apart to make a nest. finished cleaning up the mess and started my pot of coffee. on top of the fridge are my coco puffs so i reached for them and was about to make a bowl when i was attacked again.
i fell backwards (this time stepping over the toe-breaker to keep from falling, now i am in full backwards run escaping my demise. this time the bathtub took my legs out from under me. i fell into the bathtub shrieking in what most people would attribute to a squirrel in a blender type scream. dont worry though i took the shower curtain rod and curtain with me. we all are still feeling the pain of the bathtub fancy stone they use to make the shower walls. that shit is real they spare no expense here.
so all in all i have had two concussions and 4 damaged toes. but i finally figured out where the airborne attempted murders were coming from. there is a vent in the kitchen with a built in fan much like the bathroom one i am used to at home. since the incidents today i have decided that perticular fan will stay on to ward off the attackers and help me to sleep at night
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