Updates and the Waterballoon incident

I hear some people would like updates on the happenings of the birds and wine making process. I will do my best to keep updates coming but if I don't know I wont post them. Birds: Since day two of the bird attack when I first got here a lot has changed. The day in question, one of those little fuckers were sitting on the cover to the fan mocking me. Just daring me to make a move. So I did. I grabbed the "green" cleaner that Clorox sells and sprayed a fine mist of its might potency toward it. This confused the bird and it lost all flight power. It took me 2 and a half hours to wrangle the little SOB up and shoo him outside. The problem lies with the shooing process. Although I view these winged spawns of satan to be resilient to most pain and abuse, the fact is they are little birds and cant take much of a beating. I had it pinned under a trash can upside down and scooped and flung the little bastard out the door onto the balcony. What I didn't take into account for was the strength in which I did it. The bird bounced off the railing and died. I felt bad, really bad. Even those these little death bombers were out to get me, it didn't help to see one die. I mean seriously I'm not cold hearted, I honestly felt bad. Not bad enough to lose sleep over it, or conduct a proper burial, but bad enough to watch how hard I treat things smaller than me.

The homemade wine: OK, now don't get me wrong, I am not one to turn down a free drink. In fact I believe you get your ass kicked for something like that. Or at least your man card revoked. I'm not sure and I'm not about to find out. Dave pours me a glass of his homemade concoction, a grape juice turned into wine by adding a little yeast and sugar. Set outside for a couple hours in the heat and then let it react for a day or so. He continues this process daily to feed his unquenchable habit for grandpas cough medicine. I dont really understand the disease, but apparently I have seen it rear its ugly head when its not fed on time. The first thing I notice is the clarity and color. The color resembles that of a grape Popsicle and the clarity can be best described as chicken stock. I know, I know, bad visual. Just picture off-purple chicken stock. With no acids and bases to clean it up and clear the cloudiness its not the most visually appetizing drink I have ever consumed. The smell is what put me back the most. If you took a jug of grape juice and lost it in your car for a month in the Phoenix summer, the smell would be about half, that and rancid bread. I dont know how the fuck this dude drinks this every time hes home. Shit, he might be drinking it at work. Must be why hes on the base with ONLY TCN's and Kuwaitis sitting at the Iraq border. The taste wasnt as bad as the smell at all. Like communion with no break in between. Grape juice and bread with an afterburn of bad vodka. The ONLY thing I got from this nasty beverage was a headache that lasted about 3 hrs. Guess I needed more than one glass right? Wrong. I wont ever ever ever try that again. I dont like drinking that much at all!

Its been a couple of weeks now, at least I think it has. Maybe only three days. Every blends together into a massive heat ridding nightmare after a while. So I was off work and my buddy J got the idea to use this waterballoon slingshot to pass some time. Great idea I thought to myself. What could go wrong. This is the part where you think something went wrong. It didnt. But the story still makes me laugh out loud everytime I think of it.

We were in J's room a couple floors up in our building and had his bedroom window open. The problem is Jeff faces a dirt lot with not a lot of foot traffic, or vehicle traffic for that matter. But we had already filled up 10 balloons and werent about to back down on such a terrific idea. So we got another guy and him and I held the frame of the window while J pulled the slingshot back. BOING!!! That balloon took off like a prom dress. Right in the middle of the dirt lot, SPLAT. After three or four of those untargeted weapons of wet destruction we headed down the hall to an empty apartment. This one faced the street. We continued our water flinging assault missing most of the cars and people and became bored of it. Thats when J got an idea.

Lets go to another building about 6 floors up from the one we were on. Hell yeah. Better targets and the advantage of height for distance we couldnt go wrong. We made our way over knowing full well that termination could be the result of something like this. But fuck it. What were we gong to do. Sit in our room and behave. No way.

With a new vantage point and nothing to stop our teenage maturity we filled more balloons. Sliding glass door this time was our catalyst. We set to aiming on a group of buses about 500 yds out. With J halfway across the room from the sliding door he let er fly. We all ducked in fear of being seen and being reported to the proper authorities. WHAM! Right on bus number one. What I have failed to mention thus far was at the end of the group of buses was a couch, on that couch were 3 TCNs set to guard the buses from what I could gather. They took off like a bomb just went off. Full sprint these dumbasses ran toward the bus we hit, looking around for damage or what the hell would've caused that noise. Laughing uncontrollably and close to wetting ourselves we reloaded and perused our attack on the buses, just to see how much they would react to our airborne assault. 5 or 6 balloons into the mayhem and confusion on their faces as the ran around staring up at the sky, we stopped. The look of utter confusion of nothing above them, but loud noises coming from the buses was priceless. I couldnt breath. I was laughing so hard I thought twice that I pissed myself. They had no idea where this was coming from. It was great.

Target two was out another window. We aimed carefully and sent two rounds as aiming practice out until we were sure it would be a direct hit. Target 2, a corrugated metal roof over the front entrance of a little shop 400 yrds out. The bang from balloon three was loud enough for us to hear, even that far up. The hadjis scattered like roaches running out of the shop to assess the damage. I dont know much about middle east living. But what I do know, is if something makes a really loud bang. I dont run out to check to see what it is. I make sure that Bang #1 is all there is. No bang 2 or 3 fuck that. I dont get paid enough to be a human bomb checker. After target 2 we decided its best to quit while we are ahead. No sense in blowing our cover and ruining all future missions.

The dog and the ECP

For those of you that have been following this, its been a while since I posted anything. Sorry about that. Working a lot and dont always have time to write a blog. I promise I will try and be better about it. It takes me a while to type one up. Bet you couldnt guess, even though my punctuation, spelling, and grammar are soooo fantastic.

I arrived home on the 20th of June (my bday) for two days off. I earned it just coming off a 6 days stretch. Only two calls to really speak of and nothing that required me really working too hard so besides 24 hrs on for 6 straight, it wasnt so bad. Call one was a repeat offender of whom my partner at the time had spoken to a couple of hours prior to dispatch making me leave the comfort of my AC. We rush out to the 100 bay wash rack (all vehicles leaving theater have to be completely cleaned to keep cross-bringing-shit-to-the-US down) for a unknown party bleeding from the face. "Well, I thought to myself, this better be more than a scratch with all this hype." Seriously the dispatch sends us out and guess who the fuck is right behind us full lights and sirens, the fucking fire dept. Thank god those guys are here! What would I do with an audience to preform for. I wouldn't be able to work without 5 people putting in their 2 cents.

Its a TCN who took a chain binder to the eyebrow. Per the translator, the guy was binding down chains on his truck and it snapped back. Thank god his face was there to stop the madness that might have ensued. A 4 mm laceration was what he had to show for it. Seriously Mahummad, I got up for this. For Christ sakes dude, its not even bleeding. "So, when did this happen to him?" I ask "G" our base translator. "After what sounds like the flem hauking competition at a old folks home, "Three hours ago." He replies. "He's from Pakastain." G throws in. Holy fucking shit, that changes everything, I'm going to give the best I have for this guy. "I didnt ask where he was from dude, I dont care, can he see out of both his eyes?" I snap back at G while I pick up the clipboard I just slammed in disgust up. Three hours? hmmm back in the states they wont touch anything after 6 hrs, and its not 176 thousand degrees C there and no real dust to speak of, so three hours here is about max for an "open" wound. "He can see but he says it hurts much" G replies as I am jotting down the info. Let me think about this for just a sec, you took a chain binder that was almost tight to the dome, no shit it hurts. I would like to meet the bad ass that says it tickles. "Let's get him in the truck and clean it up" I shout over the diesel motors at idle, as 15 sweat beads race down my back.

We put the guy on the stretcher in the back of the truck and start heading to the front gate. "G, tell him we dont take him to the hospital, the Kuwaitis will, we cant because hes a TCN." I say as I'm working on a set of vitals. B/P normal, pulse normal, SPo2 normal - so this guy isnt in really bad pain, look who doesnt get pain meds. Not like I have them and with the head injury I wouldnt give it anyway, but its the principal. We get to the dropoff point with the Kuwaitis about 15 miles away in no time and we are back to home base to do all the paperwork for a bullshit call. Fuck me these TCN's are ususally hardcore, not this pansie, he wont last in this line of work!

Back to the original story, get home on the 20th. I walk in my room and drop my bag and see a note on my desk in the room. Hey Bro, I found a dog in desert. Hes in the kitchen can you make sure he has water and food. Oh yeah, can you take him out to piss or just open the balcony door. He's wicked timid and nice Bro. Thanks!

WTF?!?!?!?! You have got to be shitting me. *pinch* nope its not a dream. There is a fucking loose desert dog in my kitchen. Wicked nice? Isnt that an oximoron? I remember signing a memo about apartment life in company housing. I must have missed the chapter where I am responsible for other peoples vagrant fucking pets. Aye Dios Mio. What the hell was this booze hound thinking. I have plans for the next two days off and it didnt envolve taking a german shepard that he found in the desert down to piss. This guy takes the cake on being a selfish prick. Nothing I can do right, the dog is here, and I'm not about to have the SPCA trying to get me extradited for animal crimes. So I head to the kitchen, with my knife in my hand. Bring it Cujo I'm ready for ya! I talk a big game but if he wouldve lunged I wouldve urinated all over myself in fear.

I eased the kitchen door open, ready to slam it at a moments notice. In the middle of the kitchen floor I saw what I can only attribute to the white trash hillbilly version of Rin Tin Tin. Hair all matted, skinny, bony, and a smell I would imagine a restaurant dumpster on a hot day smells. "Hey buddy" I whispered, with one foot still outside the door ready to make a break for it. As I scanned the kitchen floor, past the puddle of urine, half chewed dogfood, and chunks of hair, I noticed there was no water out for the little guy. Well, guess you need water little buddy. I strolled in like I owned the place trying to avoid the kennel like atmosphere that has now engulfed my kitchen. "Here ya go dude." I said as I set down a pan of water. He lapped at it like he hadnt drank in forever. I closed the kitchen door and headed to my room to take a little nap and make a call.

As I lay there trying to fall asleep and forget the fact I had another part of the root canal today to do, I thought back to a text msg from a couple of days ago. -I got a dog, found him in the desert. "Shit!" I said aloud, I forgot all about that. My roomate has had fido the matted wonder for two days now that he has been home and hasnt washed him at all?!?!? This guy should be the poster boy for animal rescues everywhere. Save a dog, then dont do shit about it. Its a catchy title right? I cant believe this guy. I have met some VERY interesting people in the military but this reject takes the cake. Wow, and someone let this upstanding member of society procreate? What a world we live in.

To sum it all up, I didnt let the dog out of the kitchen. I left the balcony door open for potty purposes and made sure he had food and water. I cleaned up a total of 5 puddles of urine from the kitchen floor during my two off. Dont worry though, Fido the matted wonder, didnt stop me from jetskiing and swimming in the pool. I know someone reading this thinks im cold hearted and shouldve hugged and loved this dog. Eat Me. Thats my response to you! Im not getting Kuwaiti super ticks, or whatever else this mutt was carrying.

ECP: So driving in this morning I had an accident. No, I didnt shart or pee a little, I hit something. The pop-up hydralics of the gate. Let me explain. Coming onto our base there is a gate. Obviously, right. There is always a gate outside a military base. Our base is special. There is ANOTHER gate inside the compound that we have to go through to get to the station. As I make the right to enter the ECP lane inside the compound, theres a sewage truck. I stop. I had to, what am I going to do rear end a poop-tanker. There wouldve been defecate everywhere. We dont need that kind of mess. So anyway the tanker pulls forward. I pull up, the specialist running said gate walks out. I slap our pass to enter that gate on the drivers window, being a smart-ass like always, he waves me through.

Let me explain the gate situation. When protected, these 4 ft tall solid steel 6" diameter poles come out of the ground. The thinking behind this is if a car runs towards the gate with evil in mind, these fantastic, well educated guards push a little button and the poles pop up stopping evil vehicle in its tracks. The way the gate is supposed to be run is with a 20 ft same size pole on an arm is supposed to be lowered. This drop down pole runs across the length of the lane into the base and is 5.5' off the ground and painted a bright yellow. The problem lies with the guards. This drop down pole requires them to put on a helmet and physically lift and bring down the gate. Too much work for these assholes. Its much easier to push a little button. Cant argue with that logic right? Wrong. If you are too lazy to physically lift a gate for 12 hrs. Maybe being a guard in the army isnt for you. Espically if you wave EMS through the gate WHEN THE FUCKING POSTS ARE OUT OF THE GROUND YOU JACKASS!!!!

So back to the story, he waves me through. I idle forward making sure not to fly through there and have some trigger happy 18 yr old open fire on the back of our rental car. Thats all I need. Medical emergency and the only people we have to rely on is a 25 min drive away. No way. As I idle forward I was paying attention to the gate guard. WHAM! 2009 GMC Envoy stopped dead in its tracks. It took me a min to figure out what happened. Did I just run over a TCN. I mean no one will really care but I hope his face didnt break the radiator support. I back up and they LOWER THE FUCKING POLES. We pull around to talk to them. They already have their 2nd Lt there. Great some dude who has been in the Army 2 weeks for the National Guard is here to help! YAY! "Well, our poles are ok, so there isnt anything we need to do." He says looking at the now dented front bumper. "Oh, your poles are ok?" I bark, pissed off. "Dont worry about us we are fine Sir"

End of it all, bumper dented, police report filed and pride bruised. All not my fault but its taken care of as far as I know.

UPDATE: Prior to posting this my roommate called asking me if I knew anyone that wanted the dog. He might be going home and doesnt want to fork over the $2500 to fly it home. Nope, I said to him and you better not leave that beast in our kitchen. Its nasty. Thats where I wash my clothes dude, seriously keep it in your room or something. Urine paw prints everywhere, and probably a land mine or two on the couch. Thats what I am expecting when I go home the day after tomorrow. Nasty. I cant wait until Al Coholic leaves! I need to move. Anyone need a roommate in Kuwait?

Toothache and the heat...

So here we are. Just over a week into June and already there hasnt been a day without a black flag. Here there are flag conditions that tell everyone how to curtail there day in regards to physical activity. All flag conditions take into account actual air temp and relative humidity. So there are moer than one factor to consider when talking about the heat here. 82-84 green flag, no real restrictions on activities. 85-87.9 yellow flag, 30 min rest for every 30 min of work. 86-89.9 red flag, 20 min work for 40 min rest. 90 and above calculated temp is black flag. 10 work for 50 min rest. All of these for hard work. IS there any other kind here in the desert. I think not. So every morning I'm on shift I walk the 500 yards to the shower trailers and see the red flag. 6 am and already red flag. Sweating and breathing in the blow dryer like heat and dust is just what I need after a shower. I havent felt clean in 3 weeks. Oh well its the price I pay for a decent paycheck right?

The air in the afternoon takes my breath away. Not like a beautiful sunset, or gazing upon a beautiful woman. More like getting kicked in the nuts with a golf shoe. Painful and neverending. I cant even go into the porta-johns for fear that I will pass out from heat stroke in the middle of taking a piss and drown. How would the open casket look? It would be like a 200lb smurf in a wooden box. Its a risk I am not willing to take. I will keep the foley cath in until the heat subsides. The risk of infection IS a risk I am willing to take.

So we head off this morning to wash the ambulance. First of all the dust like conditions equal that of a fall fog in CA. Low visibility and it constantly hanging around, remind me of a pity date with a fat chick. Cant see the movie too well and she just wont leave. I wont make that mistake again.
Arriving at the 30 bay washrack was uneventful and the TCNs(third country nationals) lead me to believe that we wouldnt have to get out and do it ourselves. I dont have to pump my own gas here, so why would I have to wash my own vehicle. WRONG! They fired up the pressure washer and handed me a hard hat. Seriously? A hard hat. Did I just drive up in the short bus??? Is my forhead larger than most and are my eyes too close together. NO! Then I do not require a hard hat. There is no risk of falling objects from above. This isnt a construction sight, so why in the hell do I have to wear that thing. Whatever...gimme that Ahmed.

I start pressure washing the rig and look around for something to scrub and some soap. Stupid me. Its a wash rack. There is nothing just pressurized water. I dont understand it, but fuck, its already like 110 and I am already soaked with sweat and miserable. We finish and head to get ice from the ice trailer. Where is the ice trailer located your wondering. In a gravel parking lot. Just like everything else. Dust all over the wet rig. Nice. fuck I am starting to hate this place.

Then the tooth pain begins. Just like EVERY other time I visit the dentist. I go in no pain and pretty soon thereafter I am in pain like I have never experienced before. They should really make a dirty bomb that gives the enemy tooth pain. I wouldnt be able to fight, hell I cant even sleep with the amount of pain I am in.

At first I was wondering if it was some kind of abcess that would fester and eventually kill me. At this point the relief of death is something I would welcome with open arms. But after careful inspection and swishing with Listerene, I have deduced that its an exposed nerve. Constant pain. Pain that nothing except narcotics and WAY too much motrin will kill. I havent slept more than 20 min at a time for a week now.

Go see a dentist, your saying to yourself. Yeah, if I didnt have to pay all of it out of pocket and THEN be reimbursed by my insurance I would already be there. And if my last job HR would've done their damn job and pay out my PTO ontime I wouldnt have the financial situation I have now. So I have to put it off until next Wed or so. I probably work AGAIN, so I hope this percocet lasts until then.

So far this week I have already worked 67 hrs. I thought I had a two full days off. I was leaving on Sunday morning looking forward to getting back to the apartment and going back to sleep for a while. While we were leaving I was informed that I HAVE to go get my CBR(chemical, biological, and radiological) warfare suit. The other base we cover is nestled between two oil and chemical refineries. Lots of nasty stuff stored there. So we headed off to the main base(Arifjan) to get it. Get fitted and return home. At 1200. I was leaving work at 7 am. Nice and quick process huh. Gotta love the government. Oh yeah, the main chemicals stored near that base the filter we have for our gas masks, wont work on. So carrying around $671 worth of gear will do me no good in the event of a spill. Nice!

So I get home and climb into bed. Sleep...percocet and mortin 800 mg down the hatch and nap time here i come. Just as I am beating the shit out of the sandman in deamland, RING RING RING. "Someone better be bleeding" I answer in my half awake state. "Hey Karl, We need you to come in and cover for a few hours tomorrow so we can go to a meeting" Great, my first full day off tomorrow is ruined. So much for sleeping in.

7 am I wake up to the alarm the next morning. Drag myself into the shower. Forget about the toebreaker 5000 and WHAM. Well I'm awake now. I jump in the Envoy and start heading to base. I get in the line about 8 am for searching. An hour and a half passes and I finally get to the front of the line. Place my phone on the passenger seat and head for the holding area. I finally make it to the station about 10 am just in time to let the boss leave and head to his meeting. "Hey, I tried to call you" He says looking up from his computer. I check my phone. In the time I was getting the vehicle searched, he called. Damn I missed it. "They pushed the meeting back until 1300. WTF? I cant go home now, well I can but i dont want to deal with the whole search lane again.So after its all said and done I dont get back home until 1630. Whole day off shot. Nothing I can do, its not the boss's fault. And now I am on 4 in a row still in aganizing pain from my tooth.